Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
