Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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