we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
