Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
