im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
