At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
