party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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