That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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