So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
