I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
