a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I need a beard to bite.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
