there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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