Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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