Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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