Sry I called you an 8
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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