Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
