Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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