I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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