sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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