This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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