yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
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I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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