So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I want her autograph on my taint
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
