New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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