Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
