dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities