have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic