If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dating After Heartbreak
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?