I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
