Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
