There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
