You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
