I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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