proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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