it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
