Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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