Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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