it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
