I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize