If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
