All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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