Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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