Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize