do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
