then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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