Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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