Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
