Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
