girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
