and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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