and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
