Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
