You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
