We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
