My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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