I wish my penis had an off switch
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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