please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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