Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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