Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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