God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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